It's back

The new American Gladiators is back for season two, and Hulk Hogan is back to host. And he STILL looks like Janice from The Muppet Show.

The hair, brother, THE HAIR. It looks like a yellow mop made out of shiny hay. But I guess when you're the Hulkster you can do whatever the hell you damn well please and get away with it. Apparently that includes being as daft and annoying as possible while hosting this show. And calling people 'brother' as many times as physically possible. (I think I'm going to have to start a 'brother' count.)

So the credits roll and Hulk proceeds to tell us about the brand new arena, the brand new gladiators, the brand new events, and even the brand new baby Laila has on the way.

Just so we don't think she's gorged herself on Twinkies over the break.

The men are introduced. Randee (love the spelling) Haynes has 13 brothers and sisters. Damn, that's a lot. Someone's parents were busy. Jay Martinez is a 40 year old SWAT team member from Jersey. And he's really cocky and obnoxious, to boot.

The men's first event is a new one called Rocket Ball. The gladiators for this event are Toa and Wolf. Toa comes out and jumps over Wolf's head.

Toa is holding a staff along with some kind of voodoo doll hair thing that looks like Cousin It, and it's absolutely ridiculous. Toa wears a skirt so I think he's trying to prove his masculinity with this display, but what he fails to realize is that now he just seems even gayer. Randee looks completely terrified, as if he's just seen Satan.

Either he really is scared of these nut bags or he thinks Toa is a huge douche and he's being a sarcastic ass hole. (Fun fact - Toa is the wrestler The Rock's cousin, which explains so much.)

So the event finally starts, and while it looks cool enough, it's kind of gimmicky. All you have to do is press a button and you are launched skyward. The contenders try to make baskets and the gladiators try to stop them.

Now the women are introduced. Melissa Trinidad is a 30 year old martial arts instructor for kids. She thinks she's the total package. Only she's not. Elena Maskalik is a 22 year old (looks more like 32) firefighter who survived Chernobyl. Who cares.

Their first event is Pyramid against Venom and Crush.

Crush tackles Elena around the neck which seems kind of dangerous and is probably illegal, but the referee doesn't seem to care because she's Crush and she's hot and he wants to do her.

The contenders get their asses kicked, and in her post interview, Melissa gives us the dumb quote of the night.

"I think it's law of gravity. Not that she was any faster than me, but she definitely had the height advantage because she was above me."

One, I fail to see what the pyramid has to do with the law of gravity, and two, what the fuck are you talking about?

Next up is Hang Tough. It's been fixed this season so the platforms are more than five feet apart and it takes more than three rings to get across.

Awesome. Wolf is the gladiator, and he provides us with the awesome quote of the night. Actually, to be fair, the mystery canned commentary guy delivers the quote, but I'm crediting it to Wolf since he supposedly said it. "Wolf's favorite event is hang tough, because when he's face to face with a contender, he says he can see their soul leave their body". "For more Subway stats, including the gladiators favorite subs, go to nbc.com". Yes, those both were actually said. Which one is more ridiculous/awesome, I do not know.

So Wolf pulls Randee off the rings about half a second after time runs out. And he is PISSED, telling Randee "happy birthday son, cause that's the only present you're gonna get this year". Wolf can say the dumbest shit and make it sound genius. A testament to his awesomeness.

Wolf kind of looks like Jesus, don't you think? A wet, mangy, muscular Jesus.

So after the close call Wolf makes sure to take Jay down in no time at all, and after the match he says something really unoffensive along the lines of check the time, I won. Jay doesn't like this, because well, he's a douche. "Big talk like that's just gonna get me fired up. I'm not even gonna sleep tonight after that." I'm thinking he must not sleep most nights then, especially if he considers that to be 'big talk'. (And it's not really talk if it's true and he just beat you, tard.)

Crush kicks some ass in the Joust. What else is new? Melissa's daughter before she gets her ass kicked...

And after...

I'm sick and I love it.

The Gauntlet - yawn. Who cares. Jay makes it through and talks like a 20 year old thug some more. I. Can't. Stand. Him.

Assault against Hellga. Melissa gets nailed at the end of the course with only a few seconds left, and Hellga acts like she's the shit even though she didn't hit the chick until there was like two seconds left and she was right on top of her. "That's right baby, it's not her time, it's Hellga time". She takes off her safety glasses after saying this, to show she means business.

Elena is up and she provides the highlight of the night. First she flubs the slingshot, twice. Then she fires the bazooka... backwards.

She will now be forever known as Bazooka Joe, and go down in the hall of shame as the worst assault player in the history of the universe. Congrats Bazooka Joe, ya dumb ass! She's lucky that wasn't a handgun. Bitch would be dead.

The men - Pyramid - Justice and Titan ownage. Will any contender ever win on Pyramid? Doubtful.

We're introduced to new Gladiator Jet, who is last seasons champ Monica.

Isn't she the mother of twins? Damn. MILF.

"All the action, effort, bumps and BRUISERS lead here. Our new larger than life Eliminator". The Hulkster should at least learn to speak English if he's going to host this shit for another entire season.

Randee smokes Jay in the eliminator, making it up the travelator on the first try. Good. Now we never have to hear Jay's cocky thuggish BS ever again.

Melissa and Bazooka Joe's eliminator run is truly pathetic. They both take three attempts each at the travelator without even making it far enough to grab the rope. It seems like this could take all day. Suddenly, Bazooka Joe gets to the top.

All she has to do is take one, maybe two steps with that left leg and she is up. But being retarded and sucking at life, she decides not to, falls on her ass, and the travelator travelates her back down to the bottom.

Out of nowhere Melissa finally makes it up, and swings through the barrier and drops into the pool in an astounding time of 9 minutes 42 seconds.

And The Exorcist lives on.

Hulk Hogan 'brother' count - 17. (He used brothers twice as well, but I only counted one as once he was actually talking about a specific persons real brothers. But let me know if you think it should count.)

Part 2 soon to follow. And next time this will be up sooner, I promise. (It's been finished and I thought I had published it, but apparently I didn't.)

To watch the entire episode, go here.

Or for a much more tolerable two minute replay go here. 

Comments

[George]

This is brilliant.

[gina]

i agree. but i think all instances of brother should count for a truly accurate brother count.

[digitalbohemian]

Thanks guys I thoroughly appreciate it. Keep checking back for more and keep the comments coming.