Two legs are better than one

Meet John.

He only has one leg. 'Inspirational', ain't it? At least that's what we're supposed to think.

(Before I start, I realize it's been a full week since I've posted the recap for the second half of the first episode, and that a new one starts in a matter of hours, but who cares, I decided to post it anyway. For tonight's new episode the recap will be up by Wednesday though, and that's a guarantee. I swear this time. So check back then.)

Anyway, John's competition is Gerry Garcia.

Best name ever, possibly? Although he looks more like Buddha.

I'm not being stereotypical and saying that just because he's Asian. I really think he does.

Their first event is Hang Tough against Justice. Peg Leg goes first and he swings out a couple rings and then just sort of stops, so Justice gets him pretty easily and he just kind of falls into the water without putting up a fight. But wait, what's that floating in the water to the left of him?

Did his leg just come off? Dang, this shit is dangerous.

Deadhead goes next and Justice pulls him off pretty easily too. It's also worth noting that he manages to beat both contenders without ever falling into the water himself. I guess he didn't want to get his super cool mohawk wet.

Who can blame him, really?

So we meet the women. Vanessa is a major in the air force. Her kids call her Major Pain. Probably because she is a major pain in the ass. Seriously, this woman is a 12 out of 10 on the obnoxious meter. And she kind of looks like she has Downs.

Just sayin'.

Her opponent is Nikki. She's pretty and seems likable enough, so of course she's not going to last, right?

Their first event is Pyramid against Jet and Venom. Neither woman makes it up. I have to give props to Jet here, because I didn't expect her to be able to stop Major Pain In The Ass from getting up, but she did. She must have been as annoyed by her screaming and jumping up and down before the event as I was. Don't annoy the gladiators people, it's only motivation.

During the event Nikki gets thrown down by Venom and rolls her ankle. It looks painful.

Stick a fork in her, she's done. And now she has to live with the fact that she was injured by Venom. At least if it was Crush she could be proud, but Venom? I wouldn't be able to sleep at night.

Nikki's replacement is another Nikki, strangely enough. This Nikki kind of looks like Crush. A less hot, older version of Crush.

I say this not to be mean, but how can one really compare to the perfection that is this woman?

The answer is you can't. She could totally be Crush's hot mom or something, though.

So the event is Gauntlet and Laila tells Nikki the first Gladiator she is going up against is the one that put the other Nikki out of commission. When Laila says this Venom actually smiles and pumps her fists, like she's pleased with herself. Is she seriously psyched and proud of herself that she injured this chick? What a smug, arrogant bitch. And I thought she was supposed to be the nice one. Even I'm not that cruel.

Nikki and Vanessa both make it through because way too much time is given to get through four Gladiators. There needs to be less time or five glads, but I'm just nitpicking here. Upon making it through Major Pain (in the ass) exclaims "you have to bring me something bigger, I want the Wolf!" Then she actually howls. I hate her. I'd like to see her go up against Wolf though. He would rip her head off for crappily trying to imitate him. Dumb ho.

The men's next event is Rocket Ball. Titan comes out and then Wolf leap frogs over him.

Wait, didn't we do this last time? Only this time it's way cooler because Wolf is doing it. That and the fact that if he missed the jump he would have injured Titan and/or rubbed his junk against Titan's head.

So Peg Leg does decently in this, mainly because you could be a no legged torso with one arm and still compete in this event. Which is the problem with it. No one could possibly be exhausted after this. I bet you any money Titan goes back stage after this one and has the intern bring him an iced cafe mocha, having not even broken a sweat.

The next female event is a new one, Vertigo, with a new Gladiator, Phoenix. Here, see it for yourself.

OK, WTF? Did she really just rise out of flames? And is she seriously wearing wings? Could this show possibly be any cheesier? I mean it's not like they have a guy named Wolf who comes out howling. Oh wait, they do. Never mind.

Anyway, Phoenix seems pretty cool, wings and all. I love the way she was trash talking Nikki but in the nicest, most encouraging way possible. She seems likable, but I suppose it's too early to tell.

The men play Powerball. Yes, Peg Leg plays Powerball. We're supposed to find this inspirational but I find it to be in bad taste, personally. First of all how are the Gladiators supposed to be expected to tackle him? I wouldn't be able to do it, that's just messed up. And they do go easy on him, as they're clearly uncomfortable, but still. Weird. Awkward. Not really fair to him, the gladiators, or the other contender. He does actually manage to score once though. I'm not sure if they let him or just weren't paying attention.

And can we mention how dangerous this is? And I'm not even talking about to himself, really. I mean look at that hook. He could totally take an eye out or impale someone with that thing. Though if it happened to Titan I suppose that wouldn't be too bad, actually.

The women participate in Powerball as well, and surprise surprise, Major Pain In The Ass gives us the dumb quote of the night. "Aw, this game rocks. Some girls like puppy dogs and pink bows, I like speed and violence baby, so I'm gonna bring it." I still can't even fathom that she actually said that. Hellga, please sit on her face.

Only she doesn't, she just stands there in the middle the entire time.  I don't think she ever even touched a contender. One time she ran toward them to pretend like she was doing something, but she ran kind of slow and weird and it just looked like she had a giant load in her pants.

I'm kind of disappointed in Hellga. I don't know if she's just lazy and only wants to stand around shooting a gun at people, or if she only likes to hit people with giant pads (gauntlet), but whatever her deal is she needs to get her ass moving. She's falling down on the job. I don't want to lose my affection toward her, but if she keeps slacking off I might have to. There's more than enough room for me to hate another female glad besides Venom.

Speaking of Venom, as much I don't really care for her, I have to give her some credit. I thought she sucked last season and was one of the worst female gladiators, but she's actually been kicking ass so far, including in this game of powerball, and I have to say I'm impressed. Which leads me to believe she's on the roids now. If she starts sounding like Hellga when she talks then we'll definitely know what's up.

Awesome quote of the night: Laila introduces a gladiator in The Wall as "a man eating animal that has absolutely no conscience, the big bad Wolf!" Yes, yes he is. So awesome. Buddha is up against new Gladiator Rocket, who is Evan, last season's champ.

Only who's intimidated by a guy whose 5'10" 160 lbs and is constantly smiling? Not I.

He looks plain puny standing next to Wolf. Muscular, but shrimpy. Wolf gives him props though and Rocket does manage to pull Buddha off The Wall, who was hauling ass up the thing and was at the top when Rocket pulled him off. Any other Gladiator wouldn't have been able to catch him, so I guess Rocket fulfills his only purpose of climbing The Wall really fast. He seems less coked out than last season too, so maybe we can like him. Maybe.

Women's eliminator: Nikki falls off the rope swing, which doesn't really swing at all, it just kind of moves you across and lowers you down. But she manages to bite it anyway, and falls head first to boot.

Kind of hilarious, no? The women also both fall off the hand bike into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit. I find this kind of hilarious also, as nothing says 'I'm tough' quite like wading through a sea of plastic spheres.

Then Nikki runs down the cylinder and slips and really eats shit this time. Unfortunately I don't have a good picture of this. This Eliminator is really beating her up though. Major Pain In The Ass goes up the teeter-totter and runs down it straight up the travelator, and her momentum is enough for her to make it up on the first try. Smart. I still hate her though and can't believe we are probably going to have to deal with her obnoxiousness once again. Is there no God?

During the men's eliminator we get to watch John struggle on every obstacle, which is supposed to be inspirational, but really just makes me wince and want to look away.

I mean how is this poor guy supposed to do this stupid thing? He has one leg. Christ. So he finally makes it to the travelator, and now we really get to cringe and be horrified. Because I'm sure he's going to be able to make it up this thing that most able bodied, fit contestants on this show struggle with. WTF? They finally the shut the stupid thing off after a few painful attempts, and it still looks like its tough for him to make it up. And he was supposed to be able to do this while the thing was moving? So not right. Oh yeah, and Gerry Garcia won in case you didn't get that. I hope his time is good enough to come back since this was basically the Peg Leg show and we didn't get to hear from him much. Plus his name is Gerry Garcia for Pete's sake. That's so bad ass.

Peg Leg finally finishes the eliminator, so you know, good for him. Hulk proclaims it the greatest eliminator of all time, and says he inspired everyone in gladiator arena with his courage and tenacity. Or you just exploited and made a spectacle of a guy with one leg, but call it what you will I guess. Potato patato, tomato tamato. John's final quote: "There's no excuse. Whatever you wanna do just get up and do it. And I hope I just proved you can do anything. You can finish the eliminator on one leg."

But only if they turn the travelator off for you.

Hulk Hogan 'brother' count: 9 this episode, 26 total.

To watch the entire episode, go here.

Or for a much more tolerable two minute replay go here. 

(And thanks to myself, nbc.com, and warzone from Gladiators Zone for the screen caps. And don't forget to come back Wednesday. It'll be done. Really, I swear!)